Monday, October 3, 2016

Social Animal Species - What Kind are you?

I have not blogged in a really long time. But today a post I saw on Facebook inspired me to write. 
It was a joke about people who take selfies in bathrooms. Then I glanced through my feed and try to define the types of people based on the topics of posts they frequently share or upload. You get the point.......

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING PERSON - Most of us do this including myself. We share quotes that hint at someone who wronged us. This includes updating this 'sublime' message as the whatsapp dp and status. You want people to ask to which you have a reply ready "I don't wanna talk about it" or "No, no...it doesn't mean anything." I mean c'mon let your contacts in on your personal issues.....don't be a tease....they need something to spice up their Monday's.... Then there are extremists who go to the point of disabling their account temporarily. What does Bear Grylls have to say about that eh?

MY PASSPORT IS ACTUALLY BEING USED - Oh yeah. I'm not one of those losers who get a passport just as another ID proof. Suck it you losers who just use the passport as a bank document while applying for a loan. Look at me checking in at all these international locations. And here I am drinking some wine while ignoring the cheese platter in my oh so awesome hotel suite. And if I weren't one of these specimen I'd loathe you with all the bile my liver can make. My sympathies to those who post stuff like 'If travel were free you'd never see me again' Sorry it isn't free as of now. 

MY FAMILY IS A RAJSHRI PRODUCTION - Hey there you! Yes you! I have hired 3 photographers to capture my wedding moments. It was costly but your likes make it all worth it. Hey! Hey! Look at my wonderful husband. And my better than The Brady Bunch kids. Give them some likes. Better yet give them some love. Coz now Facebook has given you the tools to categorize your feelings about my life. So be specific please! 
Get back here! Look I love my husband / sister/ mother who is a blessing from God. And I saw this in someones timeline and damn it so expressed what I was thinking so I thought I'd share it myself because if you don't share it you probably don't mean it. I notice you didn't share. Shame!!

I POST BUT I DON'T PRACTICE - Giving advice is a way to trick your conscience into thinking that you have realized the good that is in the advice that's being doled out. So when I post quotes of the great minds I have just added a watt to the bulb that makes my halo so already bright. Look at me I have harnessed the power of social media to do good by telling others to be good, to set an example of how we should live or to guilt everyone to proclaim their faith publicly. 

TIME IS NOT MONEY SO LET ME KILL IT - All you mortals who will hate me for dissing them because they tried to find out which is their spirit animal or the way and day they will die or which celebrity animal they look like please stop the madness. I am sure there are better ways to use time like go bake a cake. Eat it. Whine about the calories. Do 200 push-ups. Post a photo of yourself doing push-ups.

I AM NOT DESTINED TO WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY SO THIS IS IT FOR ME - So you asked around but there were no takers for your biography. Dhoni has his movie, what about you right? But your story needed to be told. So you took to social media. Shared your location, uploaded your pictures, wrote up some really intelligent status messages and somehow also managed to share posts that will get someone to donate a rupee for every share. This is good. And tomorrow if you do make it big or screw up big your social media accounts will help your biographer write a tell all that too with pictures. 

This post is aimed at no particular person as its aimed at all the people I know or don't. I wish that none of the above described me but it does. Damn! And even though I have ranted on about stuff that irks me about Social Media Over Enthusiasts I still love it all myself.......

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

They are all idiots!

I wake up each day...late for work...who cares...I drag myself to there.... I don't want to 'go to there'. 
So bored. Mails stream into my inbox. Idiots. Don't they know this? I say. Bunch of losers. Can't they figure it out on their own? Gosh! (I scream inside my head...) 

Facebook is blocked.
Pinterest is blocked.
Job sites are blocked.
Blogging sites are blocked.
How can I claim to multitask optimally without all these sites? I launch a google search & type 'funny cats'....Now that's the stuff I say..... :P Why can't we be like cats & not get on my nerves? 

My extension rings....Hello says the bitch...How I hate her... (She filled me with hate...I used to be nice....well maybe not like all the time) I try to argue with her....I lose...Meh! Someday....I will get another job far away from where she is. Only pleasant people will call me...(they may be moronic but pleasant nonetheless)

I walk over to some people who understand me. They are nice. I don't scream in my head when I talk to them. I tell them my sorrows. They tell me theirs. Kindred spirits. We will all find better jobs. 

Cell phone rings. I answer. Didn't I have this same conversation yesterday? 

I go to the washroom. Reading Enid Blyton's Adventure series. Multitasking. Irritated. Oh so these kids just want to take the boat out to a deserted island & their mother just lets them? Oh so they get trapped on a faraway land without food & happen to find the supplies of the bad guys unguarded? How convenient? 

I want to be appreciated. Like literally. In its literal sense. I need someone to stand in a public forum & praise me. Then I want a salary hike. I open my resume & try to 'improve' it.... Then I google for 'creative resumes'...I should make one of those.

Lunch time. I eat quickly. The others take long to eat followed by even longer smoking sessions. They've been on so many of these breaks since the day began. Is is just me hating on them? Or am I just a true Goan at heart?

The new boss is an idiot. How did he become the boss? Hmmm.... He must be one of those smart idiots. Whatever! I will soon find my proverbial heaven - another job. 

They are back from the super long lunch break. Idiots. I get on with my work. I could make this presentation so much better...if only I cared...if only I was well paid.....
I watch them track the stock market. I should invest in those things too...make some money....then maybe I won't be so pissed & bitter... 

I look over to the empty workstation of the person who hasn't shown up to work for the past few days. He came up with a lame excuse. Now when I bunk I come up with excuses that have the power to draw empathy. Even if they are not believed the boss can appreciate the thought that has gone into them. At least my excuse tried to do justice to his so called intelligence.

Its 5.00 p.m. they day has ended. People rush home. I watch them with envy. They are all idiots.... 

Does anyone have a map to my Paradise....sigh!  



Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sachche Dosst - Pilot Episode

The faces of the 6 friends have not been revealed during the teasers that have been aired for like 5 months before the Pilot episode. Just some hazy scenes of straight haired girls holding red carnations in their hands adorned by 2 dozen bangles looking happy because the camera is directed at them duh! And some hazy scenes of boys arm wrestling while paid extras feign interest and clap and cheer all because life is awesome no? All this while the voice over says lovely things about friendship 'In che doston se kya app dosti karenge?' or Alka Yagnik sings 'la lalalalalaalallllaaaaaaa Jaan se pyaari hai ye dostiiiiiiiiiii'

So basically the first episode is all about revealing the faces of the 6 friends. Oh wait 6 people in one episode? We will require a one hour special.

So we zoom in on the back side (yeah baby!) of Rachel starting from her anklets moving up her calves upto her back (hahaha) ...her naturally straigntened hair blowing in the natural breeze of the fan (how come when I'm walking into a room looking all pretty there is no breeze to make my hair flow) ...Alka Yagnik is lalalalala-ing...Will we see her face now? Not yet...Let me milk the moment....enter cute stray dalmatian puppy wagging his little tail at Rachel...she bends while we still watch her from behind...lifts up the only cute thing in the whole damn show....and kisses him on his wet little nose...and lo its Rachel's face...blocked by her dupatta flying around....(hahahah you people are such losers) Time for a commercial break....

And we're back....Rachel walking and walking in the college garden....see's a rose plant with a lovely red rose...stops sighs...goes to the rose and kisses that too....ok now we see her face. (I'm bored of the build up) She then prances ahead to the college - freshly painted board reads - Motilal Institute of Fashion Technology (Sophia College to the rest of us) walks to one of the useless extras and asks them for some important notes.

We hear a girl screaming from the behind. She is surrounded by lots of other college students. Apparently some boys called her Monica aunty so she got all mad and tried to beat them up with her chappal...but it was too much of a trouble to take them off as they were the tie-up kind of chappals. Its so embarassing to threaten to chappal thrash someone and not have a chappal and no one from the by-standers also offers to lend you their chappal. Rachel reaches the scene...tells Monica to cool off....threatens the boys to call the principal (and i thought we all avoided the principal in college) and we see Monica's angry face. While she adjusts her specs and hugs her books to her chest.
Rachel bursts out into a heart laugh while she pulls Monica to attend a lecture in Modern Indian fashion.
Commercial break.....Two down 4 to go....yawn

And we are back. Scene-Rosy aunty is waiting at her dining table waiting for her PGs to wake up so she can ask for her rent of the past 7 months...Considering she managed for so long without the rent I assume she is very rich. She has many coconut trees in her Goa property and makes a lot of money tapping toddy & selling coconuts and the palm leaves. Kaching! So you wonder why she has kept 2 young boys in her house under the pretext of paying guests. Her listing in the train had specified that she wanted boys below the age of 30, single, non-fat :P And they are up looking like they never slept...probably coz no one really sleeps in a TV soap or probably coz they were paying Rosy aunty her rent the whole night :P (This is so not Indian!) Scene - Chandler gets up...we dont see his face....he flexes his muscles...we dont see his face...he goes into the bathroom....sound of shower....Joey still asleep...he gets up...kisses Katrina's poster...we dont see face.....walks to the bathroom bangs the door telling Chandler to get out....out comes Chandler....face shielded by towel as he wipes his hair....blah blah....we see their faces after commercial break.

Oh God...2 more to go....
Scene - Phoebe in the palour getting ready for new portfolio shoot. Close up - hair...one eye...two eyes...nose...eyes+nose...lips...lips + chin...7 minutes later we see her face....and hear her say 'Hi gorgeeus ' into the mirror...

Scene - Ross in car waiting to pick up Chutki outside Motilal College of Fashion Technoloy. On the phone (Apple 4G) so we cant see his face yet...adjusts rearview mirror so we see his eyes...taps the steering wheel impatiently...till he sees Chutki & her hot friend Rachel...runs fingers thru hair....Chutki and Rachel walk over to the car. Say 'hi' and we see his face...dorky looking hunk.
Another commercial break......followed by the 6 of them meeting at the Indian equivalent of Central Perk -Coffee Shoffee...that's run by that irritatingly funny guy from laughter challenge. Forgot his name. We retain the name Gunther. Laughter everywhere as the 6 of them order for coffee and pakodas.....

Roll credits....where's my name? Oh wait it was in the initial credits :P

Indian F.R.I.E.N.D.S aka Sachche Dosst

I'm sure you're wondering why i didn't call it D.O.S.T. That's probably coz I'm too smart.. I don't want anyone to call me a copy cat..though I am known to love those selfish little felines.
F.R.I.E.N.D.S has been my favourite serial since I realized that I didn't get irritated even though Zee Cafe, Star World & WB have aired it like a million times.
So here's my tribute to F.R.I.E.N.D.S. created specially for the Star Plus or Colors or NDTV imagine audience.
A little character sketch of our Indian F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I'm going to retain the names coz I'd get all confused with names like Raju or kaju....

Indian Rachel - Loves and lives fashion. Wears the latest in salwar kameez styles. Especially the transparent ones. or the ones with the spegettii straps (i know the spelling) driving all the boys in leather jackets crazy and making them whistle for her attention so that she could see how cool they are with their gogs. What does she do? She is a student in some fashion institute where the staircases are crowded with people sitting around looking useful.

Indian Monica - The Indian one cannot afford to be a cleanliness freak. She would have to be admitted into an assylum just coz she saw someone spitting outside the multiplex. So my Monica is a feminist. She keeps saying things like 'Tum ladke apne aap ko samajhte kya ho. Hum ladkiya bhi kisi se kum nahin' . She is Rachel's neighbour/friend and lives in the blue bungalow next to Rachel's white bungalow and goes to the same fashion institute as Rachel coz my story doesnt permit her to go elsewhere. duh! She obviously wears churidars....pastel shades....body clinging but not in a sick way.

Indian Phoebe - She is the garib one in my story. Also the funny one. She says things like 'C'mon guysss let's have some fun. Zindagi bahut short hai...' She is a struggling model. How does she know the rest? Monica & Rachel saved her when she was trying to end her life on the railway tracks because the nude photographs of her were circulated in all major porn sites and still no one recognised her. Sad na? Mon & Rach were crossing the tracks to get to the other side of the station to eat gol guppas which are the best gol guppas they have ever had in their life. They go to him and say 'Bhaiyya teekha banana'...and then stuff one 'guppa' in their mouth and look at eachother and giggle. So about the dying person...she is still living...

Indian Ross- Monica's brother...he calls her Chutki. She calls him bhaiyya Duh! They fight over stupid things especially at the breakfast table. Like he will take the paratha of Monica's plate to which she will whine."Maaaaaa dekho na bhaiyya ne mera paratha chheen liya" to which Ross says "Tum moti ho gayi ho. kitna khaaogi?' to which Monica retorts "Jitna chahe tang karo. Jab main shaadi karke chali jaaongi tab tumko meri yaad aayegi" Scene basically ends with parents smiling away to glory at seeing their manufactured products so happy. What does Ross do? He is a dorky engineering student. Wears dorky shirts but when you will see the credits you will realize that they are from some fancy boutique or major fashion brand. He has a car. I like ;) (you have expensive car? call me ;P)

Indian Chandler - He is Ross's loser friend. Engineering college dropout. Freelance photographer. Lives as a PG in some Rosy aunty's house. Rosy aunty is our in-inhouse comedian. You can tell that the jokes are funny coz the background score will be of the funny kind. and Rosy aunty will be over acting and saying things like 'Oh my Jezussss....ye ladke to mujhe pagal kar denge' Rosy aunty treats him like a son. And makes special sweet deesh for him.

Indian Joey - Joey is also a PG at Rosy aunty's house. He is also like her son. He is a struggling actor who would like to star opposite Katrina('s duplicate-unless this serial lives to be a 100 that too at prime time the real Katrina will even bother to utter the serial's name in her oh so kool accent) someday. He is not from Maharashtra...if you know what I mean...
Indian version of 'How you doin'?' - 'Kya haal hai meri jaan?' And the ladies go wild...

Pilot episode not ready yet. Budget constraints :P

Monday, November 15, 2010

KILLING TIME @ WORK

  1. Make a to-do list. A really long one....including things like 'Have lunch' or 'think of funny FB status'...Illustrate if you like to draw....I've seen some losers make the mind map chart also...use colors… if you make a spelling mistake, redo the whole thing…will easily kill 30 mins.
  2. Search for desktop backgrounds online…change your wallpaper….stare at it for a while….does it make you happy….if not…continue searching for the wallpaper till you get one that will make you happy…maybe even make you feel like working. Spend a good half an hour on this…if you are happy you will perform better!
  3. Google anything…read up on what your favourite celebrity is up to… Read up on ‘how to’ tips (how to save time so you have more of it to waste, how to impress people you hate anyway etc…) Do this at intervals…minimizing the page when nosey busy bodies walk by.
  4. Clean your wallet/purse. You will easily kill 15 mins and reduce the weight of your wallet by at least 60%. Also you will realize that your wallet was fat but not with money but visiting cards of useless people. Sit for a while and contemplate as to why you have so little money… Another 15 minutes pass by.
  5. Clean your workstation. Restock on any stationery you may have run out of or may want to take home for yourself. Make useless conversation with the people you meet on the way as you go to pick up your supplies.
  6. While you are on a cleaning spree clean up your PC too. Delete unwanted mails, organize them into folders and sub folders and sub sub folders. Revise your signature for all out going mails even it is just changing the font color & size J organize documents in folders too! The more the folders the better. So that the next time you have time to kill you can waste it on reorganizing them to reduce the number of folders.
  7. Facebook….need I say more?
  8. Lunch…chew each bite 25 times. Savour the flavours…grumble about the quality of the canteen food….you deserve the best….not this recycled food! Vow to carry lunch from home tomorrow (Like that will ever happen).
  9. Read the paper. Then read some other paper…then read yet another paper online.
  10. Do some work!!! Jeez…you’ve gotta have some work to do!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Joylyn - Ek Awesome Kahani

If my life were a Bollywood fillum any of the following wouldn’t be impossible!

  1. Since I’m a Catholic my name would either be Rosy or Maria….Fernandes or D’Souza. I’d be the owner of a cheap bar. I’d keep yelling at the drunks ‘Pehle paise, badmein daru, men’. I do an item number or two at the bar to boost sales. Awesome life!
  2. When I'd get drunk at a party I'd break into a wonderfully choreographed dance while singing my ‘original’ composition.(On the way home I’d almost kiss my BF who wouldn’t kiss me because he is ‘decent’ and didn’t want to take advantage of me! Bloody bugger!)
  3. I’d be the main star while all my friends would be my side-kicks and also the front row in my troupe of dancers.
  4. I’d make being ‘healthy’ a trend. Maybe I could be the brand ambassador for some pizza joint!
  5. The love of my life actually used to be my enemy in college or something like that. I had once vowed to make his life miserable.Yawn!
  6. I wouldn’t have to worry about dying. If anyone tried to shoot me, some foolish lover would take that bullet for me. If I had some life threatening disease I’d be cured overnight because my lover would be praying at the temple (In this case church) with his hand over the flame.
  7. I’d be an all rounder in college. I’d top all the exams. Play basket ball (wearing short skirts). I’d win many a trophies at many inter-college festivals (Including one for dancing while I sing while I play the guitar)
  8. Either I would be the spoilt rich kid with cars to match my outfits or I’d be the sensible poor girl who would end up marrying the spoilt rich boy. Either ways it’s a win win situation.
  9. All the ‘evil’ politicians who are trying to sell India’s secrets to the ‘Pakistani enemies’ would be brutally killed by some hot hero (my BF at the time) within 3 hours of their secret getting out.
  10. The India I live in would look like New York. Awesome for all of us! Let me put on my bikini & head to Chowpatty beach.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

WE ARE FAMILY (AND A VERY IRRITATING ONE!!)

AKA STEFFI DON’T CRY!

BREAKING NEWS – Joylyn Fernandes watches a Bollywood flick in a really expensive multiplex in SOBO and was seen only enjoying the company of the popcorn & Pepsi!!!

What??

I was stationed outside Metro BIG Cinemas in SOBO to gauge the audience response to the Kareena-Kajol starrer ‘We Are Family’ was surprised to find Joylyn ducking out of the multiplex covering her face. When confronted Ms. Joylyn informed the reporter that she had been given free tickets of the movie by a friend and since she had nothing better to do she decided to watch the movie with Steffi.
I couldn’t get people’s reactions….they all were recovering from the movie. Here is an excerpt of the interview with Joylyn…

Q 1. Why why why?
A 1. What do you mean why? I do stupid things sometimes….this is one of them…If Karan Johar can make a stupid film spending so much money…I think I am entitled to do something stupid. At least I only paid for the bus ride to the cinema! The ticket was free. (Shouting) Why don’t you ask Karan “Why Why Why?”

Q 2. I’m sure you didn’t like the movie….but just in case you did like something….What was it?
A 2. The National Anthem sung by the Indian Idol finalists was filmed before the movie. Does that count?
And Steffi here cried throughout the movie…and I laughed at her! Some people are so…………..

Q 3. Well I know I’m making a huge mistake asking you this question….What did you not like about ‘We Are Family’? (I had to ask her to email me the answer. I don’t get paid enough to listen to Joylyn ranting on and on!)
A 3. First of all it was very rude of you to ask me to email the answer to your question. But I am doing it as a public service. People need to be warned about such crappy films. People, you are being taken for granted. Karan thinks you all are morons…I agree with him though…Why else would you be watching his films? We Are Family having given credit to the writers of Step mom tried to win your heart with that little gimmick! But they will never succeed! What is up with that eunuch Arjun Rampal in the movie? He needed his ex-wife to get him his girlfriend back? And what kind of a wife is Kajol….I mean c’mon….she should have gone to channel V and participated in ‘Axe Your Ex’....instead to add to my irritation she gets her ex-husband a ‘hotter’ girlfriend….and gives her pre-made children so Kareena doesn’t have to worry about the stretch marks!
And why don’t Kareena & the Eunuch have their own kids? Oh wait I just answered my own question!
And what was the whole Diwali cum Kajol dying celebrations all about? Where were the standard crackers & rangoli? When did presentations become a part of celebrations? Also the non-terminally ill people were totally being mean by showing her what she would be leaving behind when she dies. What they should have shown her were scanned copies of the divorce papers, pictures of the kids being total jerks etc. She would have become happy knowing what she was not gonna miss! Steffi don’t cry.
I should have stayed home to watch my cat play with the wires!

Q 4. So what do you have to say to Karan?
A 4. Karan… I don’t hate you….I understand you…You were one of those kids with some disability…whose parents encourage them to ‘believe in themselves’ & ‘overcome all odds’ and tell them to take up a hobby so that they feel useful. And people praise the effort to make you feel good…THEY PRAISE THE EFFORT NOT THE RESULT! So please find yourself some other hobby like making mats out of plastic bags or something. Steffi don’t cry!